Misled
by dawnsama
Summary: SLASH pairing crackfics. They didn't understand. Neither did the writer, which only made the crackfic worse.
1. I: Miroku and Sesshoumaru

Written: 3-20-2006

A/n: This a collection of oneshots that contain too much crack to be taken seriously. These first two oneshots were written for my friend Numisma's Livejournal spampost, in which we spam that post as much as we can. I did with this, posting the story one comment at a time. If you think it's choppy, that's why. They also contains such errors of judgement as characters aware that they are in fics, mockery of certain fanfic conventions, and mockery of the author herself, with things that might even be taken as self-insert. Crime!

Ah yes, and if you have a problem with boy-boy pairings, whether serious or not, hit the back button.

I'll most likely post more crack-spam-oneshots as I write them. They aren't continuous, each will be a standalone. Although by chance, the first and second parts are loosely related.

Disclaimer: Inuyasha wears pink underwear like a real man should.

Misled I: Miroku and Sesshoumaru

Miroku scratched his head in bewilderment.

"So," he began slowly. "So apparently he was being _literal_ when he said 'I'll make your sword bigger'."

Pausing, Miroku considered. "No wonder I saw you here," he remarked. "I didn't think you had to worry about things like that."

Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow, and Miroku resisted the urge to step back. "Worry about what things?" he asked.

Miroku opened his mouth, but he decided that he cherished his organs more than the satisfaction a snide comment would bring to him. "Nothing," he replied. Clearing his throat, Miroku speedily and grandly Changed The Subject.

"So why are you coming to this swords expert instead of Toutousai?" he asked.

A clang of metal zinged through the space between them before Sesshoumaru could answer. A moan echoed from the cave they stood before, which the Writer had forgotten to mention. Silly her.

They both glanced briefly at the shadowy cave opening.

"Toutousai claimed to have 'scheduling problems,' which was most unusual of him to declare," Sesshoumaru remarked. "He didn't even change his mind when I pointed my sword at him."

"Pointed your sword at him..." Miroku echoed, allowing the Writer to reuse the verb "echo."

Sesshoumaru nodded gravely. "So I was forced to answer this ridiculous ad, for my sword really does need repair," he continued. He held up the ad, where a sloppily painted girl of modest attire grinned out, leaning on an unsheathed sword and, according to the messy word bubble beside her head, proclaiming, "I'll take any sword you've got, any size..."

Admiring the artwork, Miroku wondered, "Which sword are you bringing in?"

"That is not important to the plot of this equally ridiculous spamfic," Sesshoumaru snapped.

"Okay, I understand," Miroku said, lying through his teeth.

Another clash of metal, accompanied with another moan. Perhaps Miroku was just imagining it, but that moan seemed pretty feminine to him. Then the sound of a heaving chest, as though its owner could not believe his eyes.

Sesshoumaru and Miroku looked at the cave opening, the latter with more eagerness than the prior.

A man stumbled out of the cave.

Miroku scrambled out of the way of his wild steps.

Sesshoumaru stayed put.

As a result, the stumbling man bumped into Sesshoumaru, unintentionally getting cold sweat on the silk of his clothes in the process.

Sesshoumaru looked down at him and Glared.

Giggling nervously, the man held up his hands, which clutched the hilt of a rather long, gleaming sword. In fact, the sword went as high as the man's shoulders. It was a wonder that he didn't slice Sesshoumaru's robes. Dazed, the man swayed in his feet and shakingly held up the sword before the two. "It's... so... long!" he cried. "Perfection!" he howled.

Laughing with tears in his eyes, the man falled forward, caught himself, and then ran away. The readers promptly forget about him.

Sesshoumaru stared at the sweat stains ruefully.

"My, my," Miroku commented, watching after the man's track. "That is a mighty big sword."

"Indeed," Sesshoumaru replied.

Miroku sighed. "And I was hoping he'd improve my... um, nevermind."

"Improve your libido?" Sesshoumaru suggested.

Gasping at the sudden turn of explicity, Miroku said, "Wah?"

Sesshoumaru rolled his eyes and peered into the cave. Another maybe-feminine-maybe-not moan echoed. "I am more familiar with sexual innuendo than you secondary characters assume," he sniffed.

Miroku was offended. "Hey, I'm not-"

"Yet I, clearly the less sex-starved character of us two," Sesshoumaru continued.

"-a secondary character and I _know_ I get more-"

"Saw this ad for what it really is, a swords blacksmith," Sesshoumaru concluded. "Not," he added," some sort of libido reenergizer."

Miroku gawked.

"Why, I'm insulted!" he yelled. His staff jangled. "How dare you suggest that my libido needs reenergizing," he shouted. "I am very youthful you know! Hell of a lot more youthful than _you_. And I think I can get along quite nicely without outside help!" Miroku finished.

Fingering the hilt of his unspecified sword, Sesshoumaru set his mouth and stared.

Miroku set his staff into the ground and stared back.

Sesshoumaru just got a little blanker.

After a few minutes of Constant Staring, Miroku coughed. "Well, hey," he remarked. "You're not killing me. Yay."

Sesshoumaru shrugged.

"I am here to improve my sword," Sesshoumaru said.

"It would be no good to get blood on it beforehand, while I'm waiting my turn."

"Oh," Miroku said.

"What."

"I think you meant to end your sentence with a question mark," Miroku said helpfully.

"No."

"But you said 'what?' in reply to my 'oh'," Miroku wheedled.

"This Sesshoumaru only speaks in statements, hence the period," Sesshoumaru replied.

"And apparently you've decided to stop using pronouns too," Miroku commented. "Well, anyway, why'd you say 'what'?"

"To find out what your lowly human self said 'oh' for."

"Oh." Miroku deflated.

"This Sesshoumaru commands you cease your redundant repetition."

"Wow, you really have stopped with the first person pronouns," Miroku sighed.

"Just explain yourself, houshi," Sesshoumaru commanded, deciding to slip into Japanese despite the English writing.

"Well..." Miroku began. "It's just that... I wondered why you kept standing here, next to me, talking with me, like you actually tolerate my lowly, human presence. For a moment, I thought you stayed because you actually... liked me."

Miroku blushed to an uncanonly degree.

"But," he continued, "You're just here to wait your turn to get your sword fixed, not to talk to me, or... anything like that."

Miroku sniffed pathetically.

Sesshoumaru commenced Staring.

"Well, I'm not surprised," he replied. "Everyone's _always_ expecting something from good ol' Sesshoumaru-sama. First Inuyasha, then Jaken, then Rin, then Kagura, then that random peasant Tenseiga told me to revive, then that random chick who wanted to do me that one night, then you..."

"Well," Miroku sobbed. "At least _one_ of us is trying to maintain an alternate pairing!"

"Oh, this is an alternate pairing fic?" Sesshoumaru said, looking around.

"You didn't even notice!" Miroku cried. "But at least you're using question marks again!"

Sesshoumaru shrugged. "Oh well. The Writer did a terrible job at indicating it." The Writer curled into a ball and sobbed with Miroku.

Miroku blinked through Big, Shining Eyes.

"Does... does this mean...?" he gasped.

"Kinky interspecies boy sex? Eh, the wait is taking too long. Why not."

Miroku opened his arms.

"Just as long as you stop acting out of character," Sesshoumaru added, unbuckling his sword.

"Want me to feel up your ass?" Miroku suggested.

"Yeah yeah, whatever gets you off and keeps you in character at the same time," Sesshoumaru complied.

And they had much kinky sex on the forest floor outside the cave.

Eventually the swordsmith walked out and tripped over them. He eventually sued the Writer.

The Writer decided to stop typing and promptly ended the spamfic before the lawsuit could finish.

THE END


	2. II: Miroku and Inuyasha

Misled II: Miroku and Inuyasha

"Dude!" Miroku yelled. "We're in an American high school!"

Inuyasha looked at their surroundings and spotted a tree. He slashed at it, and the tree exploded. "I can't believe you just said that," he growled, flexing his claws.

Miroku pouted. "Said what?"

"Well, first you said 'dude,' which isn't something you should be saying. I mean, even if this _is_ an English fic, you shouldn't know any modern day slang!"

"But dawnsama doesn't think it's that big of a deal," Miroku protested.

"Dawnsama can die, whoever she is!" Inuyasha scoffed. " And how come she doesn't put a hyphen in between 'Dawn' and 'sama,' and how come she doesn't capitalize her name?"

"Maybe she's just lazy?"

"And she probably _does_ think it's a big deal. She just put it in your dialogue to piss me off!

"Maybe you're jumping to conclusions-"

Inuyasha poked a talon in front of Miroku's face. "Second!" Inuyasha continued, uncharacteristically organized. "You said we were in an American high school! How dare you! You know I get cramps whenever I hear that. And where do you think we are, an alternate universe? Why don't you just go off yourself!"

Lip trembling, Miroku whined, "But Inu-chan-"

"Don't call me Inu-chan, asshole!"

"- you know how much I _love_ alternate universes, especially high school!"

Inuyasha doubled over, clutching his side. "Shouldn't my Special Youkai Healing Powers prevent this?" he mumbled.

"Writers always type me in as the ladies' man!" Miroku continued.

"So?" the insensitive Inuyasha grunted, allowing the Writer to make use of alliteration.

"Well, think about it. How much nookie do you think I get in canon? No, nothing's going on in the background. In fact, I haven't gotten any with a girl, much less Sango, for months!" Miroku jammed the end of his staff into the ground, fists clenched. "So excuse me and my wishful thinking!"

Inuyasha narrowed his eyes in suspicion.

"What do you mean you haven't gotten any from a _girl_?" he interrogated.

Miroku rolled his eyes. "Use your imagination, Inu-chan," he drawled. "These hands aren't just used on people other than myself. I have needs, you know. And if Takahashi refuses to draw sex scenes, then I have to deal with it myself."

"Yeah, I don't think I wanted or needed to hear that..." Inuyasha mumbled, taking a step back.

"Oh yeah," Miroku remarked as an afterthought. "I just remembered. There was also that time with Sesshoumaru in front of that cave, when that sword smith tripped over us while Sesshoumaru was doing that-"

Inuyasha slashed out again at a handy tree nearby. "I _didn't need to hear that_," he hissed. "So just shut up about whatever it is you were doing! If you say another word about it, I'll slice it off!"

"Slice what off?" Miroku wondered.

"Use your imagination!"

"Didn't I just say that to you a few seconds ago? You copied me!" Miroku whined, outraged.

"What? No I- did I? Nevermind! Just stop talking right now!"

Inuyasha pivoted on a heel and stalked off. He really needed some trees now.

Unfortunately, Miroku wanted company.

"Well, come to think of it, that time with Sesshoumaru was the first in months that I-" he started conversationally, stepping on Inuyasha's heels.

It was a bad day for Inuyasha when even the trees seemed to be walking away from him. Or, at least there weren't any trees close enough for him to bang his head on. Hadn't there been a tree just at his feet a second ago? Inuyasha had a hunch feeling that Miroku would simply follow him if he walked to the nearest tree.

Desperate, Inuyasha attempted to Change The Subject. "So why the hell _did_ you shout the thing about-" He took a breath. "-_American high schools_ anyway?"

Bracing himself, Inuyasha waited for the cramps. Luckily, fate otherwise known as What The Writer Wants To Write decided not to hit him with them.

Miroku considered his question, stroking his chin.

Inuyasha's chin that is.

Taking a breath, Inuyasha spat, "Stop tickling me asshole or I swear I'm going to—"

"Eh?" Miroku looked at him, because apparently he wasn't looking at Inuyasha in the first place. "Oh. Sorry. I could have sworn I was scratching a cat."

Inuyasha wasn't sure if he could take it anymore.

"_I am not a cat!_" he growled. He wondered how much more he was going to speak in italics. "Just answer the question!" he continued.

"But I _was_," Miroku insisted. "You just distracted me with your abrupt dialogue."

"What-"

Graciously ignoring him, Miroku answered, "I shouted that out loud because I was having a fantasy."

"_I didn't I tell you not to talk about-_"

"And I longed for it so much, that I accidentally voiced my inner dialogue out loud," Miroku continued. "Quite embarrassing actually."

"Whatever gets you off."

"So you see, the thought of being in an American high school alternate universe is actually exhilarating for me," Miroku said. "You know," he remarked, "Technically that's modern slang too. How come you're saying it?"

"Because this is my manga!"

"Right. You know, Sesshoumaru said the exact same thing to me. 'Whatever gets you off'..."

"Why do I care?" Inuyasha frowned. "Oh..."

Miroku grinned.

Inuyasha gaped.

"But what about Sango?"

"What about Sango?"

"She's your canon love interest, that's what!"

"Oh really, do you think that matters in a fic? You should know better, Inu-chan."

"This doesn't make any sense!"

"Neither does your excessive use of exclamation points."

"I like exclamation points!"

"Yes, you're an excitable person."

"What the hell does this have anything to do with anything! And I still don't get why you suddenly want to do me!"

Miroku pouted. "Oh, say it out in the open, shall we? Why can't you be _subtle_ like me?"

"You're not subtle and what gives you the right to be the know-it-all of this fic?"

"The Writer does. So there."

"Gah! When and how did this become such a rambling mess?"

"Don't know actually. Wanna just do it instead?"

"Why?"

"Well, the Golden Rule Of Fanficcing is, and I quote, 'always conclude your fics with steamy sex.' I don't know about the steam part, but I'm up for the sex!"

Inuyasha stared at him, dumbfounded.

Miroku beamed.

"This makes absolutely no sense," Inuyasha stated bluntly.

"Well, neither does the Meaning Of Life, but you don't hear me complaining do you?"

Groaning, Inuyasha seethed. "Great. Why don't we just do it before I start questioning my sanity even more?"

"Can do!" Miroku chirped.

And they did it against a tree, ironically enough. And then they did it some more, pausing only when Kagome randomly tripped on them. In her despair, she ran off with Jaken and had green hanyou pups two days later with the magic of Youkai Sugar Rituals. Inuyasha and Miroku just continued on.

THE END


End file.
